Entry 002 .:. Is Yesterday, Tomorrow, Today?

How long has it been? I forgot this blog even existed and the great purpose it served. In a previous life I blogged on an almost daily basis to clear out the mess. The inner demons have been winning lately... I guess it is time to fight back.

Sun in the sky, you know how I feel

Scene. Credits. Black Screen. That is how my day metaphorically ended. Having left the setting of socialization, I began the slow walk back to my vehicle with what can only be described as a sinking feeling. Picture it if you will, the final scenes in an episode of a cancelled sitcom; the main character having failed miserably at spending time with the people he wanted to spend time with walks slowly down a bustling street during sunset. There are performers left & right, people looking happy, and the vibe is all round happy time. But our main character is deflated and defeated. Just as we are about to hit the closing credits, he gets to the end of the street where a sole guitar performer hits out with "cause I'm feeeeling good". He looks. He contemplates the irony. He walks on and the camera pans out for the overhead shot before cutting to the credits.

I couldn't write a better scene if I tried. The poetic beauty of it all... enthralling! The only problem is that this is how I actually felt. In the aftermath of my scene ending, I retired to a spot by the river. One I would frequent with my friend when daily walks were our routine. I had to think. Clear my head. Make some sense of what I was feeling. Always a bad choice. Thoughts, oh thoughts, you deviant creatures. You only want me to focus on one thing; Why did we not talk? Is this the space between us? Are we not as close as I thought?

From a very young age, I always had trouble connecting with people, and even those I did connect with it could so easily implode. I've lost count of the friends I lost out of pure rage over the silliest of things. Over time I began to realise that I truly found it difficult to connect with other boys on anything other than geeky things like videogames. While sufficient for small talk, these are not things that truly matter to me.

My teenage years were fueled by tv shows like Friends. I became obsessed with the idea of having that elusive 'best friend'; someone who I could always count on. Someone I could talk to any day, about any thing. Someone who could be my confidante in life, and I back. I wanted it. I needed it. But when would it happen?

But then my life began to change. I would have girlfriends. I would start to chase after love. Having failed to develop any kind of friendship that came close to what I dreamed of, I came to an acceptance that I only really needed someone to love and my family. I would sideline the craving. In fact I would decide I didn't really need friends - what good did they ever do me anyway besides feeding my insecurities? What did they ever make me feel besides this overwhelming feeling that I was not good enough for them? That I am small. Insignificant.

Over the following years I discovered I could connect more easily with females. This was a startling revelation, but one that brought about it's own set of problems. It's easy for things to get messy when you connect with someone emotionally too much. Having also failed at this many times, I again parked any thoughts of having my mythical best friend. It was not to be. I don't even know what a best friend is? How should I behave towards a best friend? How should they behave towards me?

I was fine. I really was. I was minding my own business. I was enjoying my post-new job life so much. Things couldn't be better. Then I met this friend. Ever since then I've been on this roller coaster ride of messed up emotion. I just feel so tormented. I don't ever feel like I know exactly where we stand with each other. Are we best friends? Are we good friends? Are we just occasional friends?

At first I thought maybe I was going mad. Is it all just playing into my unrealistic TV visions of a best friend? Or is it the lines that I always read between? Tonight I couldn't stop thinking about it. Before you would always insist that I came to such occasions so that you could talk to me. So that we could be a duo as it were. This evening we didn't say one word to each other, and I ask myself why? Why did that happen? What did I do wrong? Why do you not want to talk to me?

Enough now though. I simply cannot find the energy to analyze this any further tonight. The mind must release me into slumber. Please.

Entry 001 .:. I'm drowning in your dizzy noise

"Stop thinking... Just stop!"

It happened again today. Like it always does. This is how it's meant to be... I'm sure of it. Why else would it keep happening? Besides, I really am so very good at it. You could say I'm an expert. I just love being a slave to my mind. My over thinking, lunatic mind. No matter how much I scream "shut up", it won't stop. It will never stop. It won't be quiet. It won't let me rest. I will forever be in this constant battle to regain the calm. To feel the great sweet release of epiphany. Of feeling like "It's OK now... it's just OK". It's my destiny to be a bag of nervous energy for ever more...

The day just started horribly. I was so tired. People shouldn't be subjected to work when they feel this way. Oh cabbage, how I loathe thee for this torment. Then I got to work and my inbox was a mess. An absolute mess. I can't stand the mess. The emails are like fragments of thoughts, and I oh so need the thoughts to be organised. I need everything to be categorized in my brain. So I set about the task of making things right. It was going well until everyone started coming in at 9am. Then my day got even worse.

Friday. Let's all talk about Friday. Oh wait... I wasn't there on Friday!!! I don't want to sound bitter, but then again I am. I really really enjoyed my day on Friday. But why did that day have to coincide with... THAT day. Now I'm feeling left out... Insignificant. I probably am... insignificant I mean. I hate myself so much, so how could anyone else like me? Shut up.

Just when I thought it couldn't get worse... I'm totally irritated by this point... She sends me a message. Oh great. Brilliant. There you go again making me want to talk to you. I'll just stop focusing on my work again. And then I'll get annoyed when you don't reply for ages. Yes, you were too busy. I should be busy too. Why am I even so bothered about talking to you? Or giving you chocolate. God I annoy myself so much sometimes. Why am I so eager to be such good special friends with you? Or anyone else for that matter. It's so much easier to just be alone. Then I don't need to have this noise in my head. It just keeps getting louder and louder and louder.

I don't know why I stopped blogging. This was very therapeutic!